It's Not Easy
by cloverhand
Summary: After screwing up his first mission as leader, Bobby reflects on being a leader and whether or not he's really cut out for the job. Angstyish Bobby. T for cussing and implied violence.


Bobby's POV on being a leader. No point really, I just needed an outlet for the bad mood I've been in for the past week or so. 'Life sucks and all that' kinda mood, you know? Anyways, it's Bobby's reflection on leading and on things being easy vs. hard. It's kinda abrupt at times, because it's following his train of thought and thought tends to be random. Hopefully it's not too ADD. It's my first angsty piece, so here's to hoping it's not a total piece of shit. So, that's about it. R&R folks. You know you want to.

Disclaimer: If I owned any of this, would I be writing FanFiction?

No? Good answer.

* * *

All my life, things have been doable, manageable. There's been a simple, easy fix for anything and everything. I never had any problems in school: math, history, German- it all came easy to me. I was good at sports, and when I got to the Institute, I kicked ass in no-power DR sessions. I even got the hang of my powers pretty quickly; control was barely an issue for me. But in reality, I guess that's why it seems so hard all of a sudden. Being a leader, that is. Because everything's always been so easy, I had never bothered to really try: everything became a game to me. But the thing is, it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And now, someone had gotten hurt, because in my pride and arrogance, I had never really realized that there would come a time when it wouldn't be a game, when I would actually have to step up and give something an actual, honest effort. Not my usual half-assed attempt that somehow turned out alright, but the whole blown 100%. Except, I've never bothered finding my whole 100%, and being a leader means bringing more than that to the table. Thing is, I don't know if I have that in me.

It's hard, trying to lead. A lot harder than I would have expected. It's a whole different playing field out there, in the real world, than what it is in training. In the Danger Room, it's ok to make mistakes, even if Logan chews you out about it later. But out there, in the big leagues, there are no do-overs and they shoot to kill. To lead, you really need your whole 150%, but this time, the first solo mission we New Recruits have gone on, I didn't bring that. Not even close.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this leader stuff. I'm no Scott Summers. I'm just Bobby Drake, a cocky kid who thinks he's a hero. Scott would never let one of his teammates get shot. Me? I couldn't stop it from happening no matter how hard I tried. And I did try, I really did, harder than I've ever tried before, but I guess my best wasn't good enough. If my best _was_ good enough, then Sam wouldn't be lying in the hospital wing, a bullet in his side. Rahne wouldn't be sitting there holding his hand, silently praying as tears roll down her face. Ray wouldn't have to fight back his own tears, because, with no leader there, someone has to be strong for the others. Amara wouldn't be sobbing on Roberto's shoulder while his tears drip down onto her hair, and Jubilee wouldn't be holding Jamie as they both cry alongside the others. Scott wouldn't be leading the older team to go clean up the mess we hadn't been able to clean up ourselves, to stop the rioters who'd decided to use us for target practice. And I wouldn't be lying on my back in the mansion's backyard in the pouring rain, with my tears mixing in with the rain water rolling down my face.

Really, none of us should be crying this hard or should be this upset. I guess it's a natural reaction, though. We're scared to death: no matter how many times Beast says Sam's going to be ok, it's still ridiculously hard to believe him. Things don't look good for Sam, and we don't want to lose him. I know that I sure as hell don't. He's my best friend and he's a great person, and he sure doesn't deserve to die like this. I can't stop thinking about it. My brain's running in circles and I can't think about anything other than Sam and how it's all my fault that he's like this. I know that I don't pray very often, but right now I'm praying to God that Sam will be alright. I'll never forgive myself if he doesn't make it. Not that I'll ever really forgive myself if he does make it, either, because it's my fault he got shot in the first place. In theory, he'll be fine- the bullet didn't hit anything major and it was a pretty long-range shot- but I'm still scared. I'm pretty sure we all are. He lost a hell of a lot of blood and he's been unconscious since we got him into the jet. So now, Sam's life is on the line because I couldn't do a decent enough job. Because I wasn't good enough. Because it's not easy, and I wasn't ready for that.

I knew being a leader was going to be tough. Nobody said it was easy, but nobody said it would be so hard. (1) I just don't think I ever understood how hard it would be. And now that I know how hard it really is, I don't think I can do it. I need to step down, before someone else gets hurt. I don't know who will take my place, but honestly, I think even Jamie would be better than me. (2) I know that I'm not good enough to lead; I'm not naïve enough to think otherwise. I just wish whoever takes my place luck, because being a leader isn't easy, or anywhere close to easy. Maybe next time around, Logan and the Professor will choose someone to lead who can handle the pressure, not crumple as soon as it gets hard. I don't know. Right now, all I do know is that I can't do it anymore.

Figuring out that much, at least, is easy.

* * *

And now, for endnotes and footnotes. The title comes from the Five for Fighting song, "Superman(It's Not Easy)". I know Bobby isn't quite Superman, but close enough, right? And Sam's gonna live. I could never kill off Sam-he's practically my favorite character. Was that OOC for Bobby? I see him as having a dramatic side, but I really hope that wasn't pushing it too far. Hmm, I dunno. Maybe you oughta review and give me another opinion, huh? Anyways...

1) Yes, I did steal the lyrics from Coldplay's "The Scientist." Excellent song. Excellent band, really.

2) Jamie actually leads a team of his own in comicverse. X-Factor Investigations, which Rahne was a part of for a time, before leaving to return to the X-Men, if I'm not mistaken.


End file.
